Picture perfect

Often times we see people who seem happy. Their face looks relaxed, there is evidence of a smile, wrinkles to prove it and all, the voice, if they speak to us, is playful and calm. One would never guess what happens behind the curtains, for the show must go on. Some people are like that…

Some just hide from the world when the bat hits. Pulling Sisyphus’ boulder up life’s path, broken, tired, with no view of a better tomorrow in sight…they place one foot in front of the other, in complete silence, shutting out all lively noises around them, concentrating on grieving the task. They don’t smile, and their voice is raspy, if they ever address you a word.

And some are just as ignorant as the Fool…looking at the heavens, while stumbling into anything in their path, be it a pot of gold or a whole in the ground…They are build with a flaw: they believe in life, in good, in God, and in justice. They serve with joy, forget themselves, and don’t hold grudges. They live in the clouds…painting the universe in pretty colors, singing its praise for all to hear. They create their own picture perfect world. They hurt just like anyone else when they fall, and they fall harder because they fly too high…but they continue to give fully, no in-between.. Life is. Beautiful.

There are so many others out there, with much more interesting traits, but for some reason, tonight, the Fool speaks to me in a language I can understand. I dream in color, and build playful worlds. I sing the beauty, and hand the rainbows to anyone who wants one. I believe in forever and a day. I love the sun, the moon, and the voices of innocence. I rinse my heart often in the ocean, so that no muck of the every day sticks to it. I let the wind teach me to speak…too much at times…but trying to have no remorse. I pick myself up, and get myself going…again. Life is. A gift…

Like so many gifts that we all should share, here’s my picture perfect. It is as real as tomorrow, and as warm as the sun on a Texas spring morning…a fragment of life…my take on things…for tonight, I am the Fool.

In remembrance

The first memory of her that I have is soaked in a blurry sunlight, coming through the white summer curtains. The window was open and I could hear voices in the distance…Her hand was soft and smelled like fresh baked bread. I must have been four or five. I can still remember the texture of my pillow cover, embroidered by her hand with minuscule flowers and a pink bunny that used to leave a mark on my cheek after a summer day’s nap…I loved it! She was gently brushing the hair off my face, whispering something that only she could hear. Every summer morning was like this…too bad I had to grow up…

If I had to pick one thing to say about her, I wouldn’t know where to start…she didn’t just touch my life, she had a strong hold on it, molded it, shaped it, carved out the bad, patched up the broken, built up the great! So what can one say about her that is brief?

That she was brave? She was barely six during WW II. She told me so much of what had happened, all of it carved up in my memory with bright letters…

That she was kind? She knew no foe…she gave it her all, to all, all the time… In her memory, I will try to do the same, though my stubbornness will not be helping…

That she valued education? “You must remain curious forever. There’s always something new to learn!” Oh, the thousands of books we read together, hundreds of museums and historical places she dragged me in, modern philosophers that she would debate life with on so many afternoons… Life is full of learning…”It is never done”…

That she was strong? Too much to say about this…maybe I will write her story one day soon…her life was wilder that many books I’ve read…

All of the above, and more, taken on their own, don’t even come close to describe her…I could just say that she had mastered love… giving love… unconditionally…timeless…permanent…the kind that will never be wiped away by any of life’s waves…

And one day I will be able to say her name without being shaken by her absence…and broken by the unsaid good-bye…One day, time will have washed over me enough, and I will, again, look at the clear sky and hear her voice… ’till then…

Zen…

There comes a time in everyone’s life when time stands still but all universe continues to spin. And in a zen garden made entirely of personal thoughts, one will cling to any calm image that gives the slightest amount of comfort…and for a sliver of time, all will be stable.

With every hurricane that throws debris all over the immaculate world we create, and with every gruesome tornado, we learn to live with less, appreciate more, and hold on to the untouchables with all our strength. Here today, gone tomorrow…makes living each second to the fullest a great thing to do! I was once told to make sure I do not do anything I will regret, to keep a clean heart, and to mind my mouth…I am doing great with the first two…the third is sometimes more than I can help. But I am still learning to control to volcano… What I did master, or maybe I should say what my brain has mastered, is a complete stand-by routine that helps me ride the rough whitewaters when they come. If you have ever watched Rango, I’m the little lizard that freezes when emotions are too intense…”it’s a coping mechanism”…

And in my safe, secluded from the outside stressors, little made up world, there’s soothing music and a waterfall.. One of these days I’ll find that place in real life…’till then, I’ll seek the quiet place on the busy road where no cars can hit me….and zen!

On parenting and pets…

This is the day that all recognize their mothers. For the warmth their arms give when they’re held close, for the peace of mind, for the safe feeling they get around them, for the sweet words, and the loving smile, even for the occasional scolding, as it all comes from a loving heart.

It is the day that most think about the duty of the mother, so elegantly performed. The gratitude goes to being fed, clothed, kept in a clean home, needs tended to, with no other responsibility but to be there…well, maybe even that is overlooked at times…

One often thinks of motherhood as the job of a woman, granted when the child is born. It only takes about 20 years, I was once told. For the record, I hadn’t asked the question, the advice was just offered. But I rather liked not sleeping nights, stepping on scattered toys, waking up at all odd hours of night to fix a curtain or give a hug, telling quiet stories to get little eyelashes to flutter shut when my own were not far from doing the same, squeezing my creative brain to come up with  funny foods for the picky eater, that would also help raise a healthy body. But most of all, I liked the existential questions, coming at the most unbelievable times, when all I had prepared was the “let’s talk about it later” speech.

The newest one is on pets. The door opened and a happy voice yelled: “This is Alex, he is our new pet!”… Oh, no! We do not need a new pet, we’ve got plenty of pets. I turned around to lay eyes on Alex and prepared to deliver my “no more pets in this home” speech. Little foot was proudly holding a jar. It had a vent at the top and there were leaves inside. A caterpillar came in that jar from “Seed and read”…Hmm. Now that was not a pet by my calculations…So as I figured, it will either get lost or get eaten by the existent pets. No biggie.

The issue became clear though…little foot had every intention to consider Alex a pet! “Alex will sleep in my room”. Translation: Alex was in the bed already. Try as I might, I could not get any sense into the matter. Well, how hard can it be? I’ll give it a try. It seems that it was not the best idea, as I now have four pets to tend to, and two children, one of which is fully grown…and a “new home for Alex that includes the “dirt bed” with a few rocks “for authenticity”…

So, if you have any words of wisdom on caterpillar care, now’s the time to hand them over! I am on a mission to teach little foot applied parenting! And maybe a little understanding of the fact that parenting comes with a lot more than just having someone to play with.

It’s just a face…

There are many out there that wear a mask every day. It’s not for fear that they will be recognized, but for fear of judgement. Although it’s “nobody’s business” what one decides to wear on their face, be it a smile, a frown, a smirk, a flat, yes, you can wear a flat expression, at the end of the day, if people feel in any way deterred by one’s expressiosn, they should simply overlook it.

A smiley face is always welcome, but what if one has nothing to smile about? No major worries may abound, nor might there be any pain or hurt, but simply one could have a quiet day, when smiles are not necessary…I wonder what a “just normal” face should look like.

Too serious, you’re a tough cookie. Too smiley, you’re funny bones. Too cheery, you’re bright eyed and bushy tailed. Yet a lack of expression can bring some to tears. All too often we consider what others think, rather than what we do. And so the focus is in the delivery of the message, rather than the content. The “right dose” of happy, cheerful, stern, serious, worried, patient, reassuring must be placed evenly on all the corners of a face so that the message doesn’t get mistaken for something else…

Whatever happened to lecture? It has been discontinued in favor of “more exciting” teaching…Lecture is a two way street as well, though, when done right. One preaches, in full detail, and one listens, with all seriousness. Both gain. One is sure that the whole information has been passed on, and the other is happy to have heard all that pertains to the subject. Interactivity. Delivering the lesson in a fun way. Great! Let’s play! But when testing comes…we’ll just figure something out.

Thinking skills don’t just happen. They start out as little seeds, planted in a fresh bed, and cared for every day, consistently, across the board, by all the gardeners in the family. It takes a village to raise a child…there must have been a reason for this saying… I’m sure. But as I don’t have all the facts about what really happened to yield these words, I will spare you the lecture and  just do something fun. Like play with my food. And I just won’t wear my feelings for the rest of the week. Just a little experiment. Hope it doesn’t blow up in my face…maybe I should just find a prop…just in case…oh, well! It’s just a face…

basking in history

Treasure hunting is amazing…the excitement of new discovery, even of old and well known facts, can’t compare to anything…at least for some. Finding new perspectives to old items is such an entertaining task! Finding the willingness in oneself to simply discover, without jaded views, a new facet to life around is probably one of the very few true learning experiences still done only for the sake of curiosity.

Today there will be historical homes to track down and explore. This unusual task has prompted the old researcher in me…Funny what one can find if they look further than the tip of their nose to what’s in front of them…So much unsaid within the walls of the old buildings I pass by every day on my way to work. So many words and warnings other have said, unrecorded, bound to make us repeat history… Unless…the wake up call can be heard by more than just half of ear….

funny thing, life…

Focusing on a goal. The purpose in one’s life. Family. Career. Love. Longing. Dreams. Reality as one perceives it. Life…in all its beauty! Ways and ways to describe seconds passing by… The good, the bad, and the amazing!

This week started unlike any other…it felt like the last never finished…like Saturday turned into night and lasted forever…and then the sun rose again, and it was Monday.

Saturday night was the Prom. Yes, you’re nodding, you know what it feels like. Normally, as an innocent bystander, I would just prep attire and enjoy a quiet night with a great movie. This time around I had to play artist…granted, I was not alone in this, but as any perfectionist would agree, a job well done is one that you do yourself. You know, making sure nobody trips over the overly expensive soft light right before the Prom pictures are supposed to start happening…or that the settings on the top-of-the-line camera are not accidentally messed up, after spending hour setting everything up…little things like that…or calming down hyperventilating professionals who can’t cope with the excited, prom dressed, on high heels, partying crowd.

My job was so easy! All I had to do was make sure all was perfect! The only little issue was at the end of the night, when my cheeks wouldn’t relax from “smile” position, and my niceties had completely finished so my bubbly self turned to a taciturn pumpkin… which I haven’t managed to shake…I am now hiding behind my shades and try to smile pretty, in passing, for fear that anyone who would ask me anything might get the void that I’m staring into…

But funny thing, life…it gathers all that you imagine, and whatever you might not, puts it all together, shakes it well and offers you the wildest cocktail, that you have never envisioned. And you can gulp it down and loath it, or your can experience the new taste with open mind, and try to find the flavor that you can live with, or, who knows..maybe even enjoy!

Here’s to the wild card! May we play it to win!

I always thought that if you try hard enough, you can actually distance yourself from the object of your discontent, rage, sadness, heartache… I still think you can. I do remember being wise enough at some point to do so…or maybe I was just in denial…whatever it was, it was working and I needed it back.

But how do you effectively step back. Truly. To the point of complete peace within yourself. With no little hidden grudge, no bitter taste, no revenge… The answer to this question is not an easy one. We are all different and take things in with our own grain of salt…well, most of us, most of the time, I guess that’s why they call it personal perspective. One size doesn’t fit all in this case either…But since a recipe for sanity must be out there, and I just didn’t find all the ingredients, I am starting to collect them as I grow into my own better self.

I found one to be most potent of all, but even this one has to have backup some days like today…the ocean…breathing its salts revives the soul; hearing its whispers soothes the heart; wrapping oneself in its infinite strength restore the belief that man was once giant…

But today all the doors to logic were closed. The locks weighed heavily on the weathered wood…I guess when the rains wash the varnish away, things just don’t slide down so easily…and scratch everything in their path, to the very core. It might just be that the wind carries all these grains of sand, and lays them on everything that would stand in its way. Any attempt to brush them off turns them into little needle points…engraving their mark on the skin…

Every morning a sweet smile calls to me. Through the steam of my coffee I look at the mesmerizing picture…every day it’s different; some days the sun rises just on top of a statue, casting surreal light; other days, the fog mystically wraps around the dim figures… and some days it’s just still and peaceful, and calling me with its calm. I promised myself I will one morning snap a few shots to share this feeling.

My mornings aren’t what they used to be, though…and they turn into mid-day faster than I can realize.. But this morning a warm orange smile grabbed hold of my soul. It wouldn’t let go. I was dragged in by the strings of my heart, by the tip of my nose, and by the blank in my head. I found myself wandering through the peace. And, boy! was that great for my sanity!

There, by the aged boulders, in the quiet, I found the other most powerful ingredient for my recipe. Humility. Nothing makes one feel more complete than seeing the tiny place given to him in the world, a small piece of an intricate puzzle. No major roles to take on, no tough calls to make, no hard feelings. Just peace. Just being a part of the bigger picture.

In the middle of the city there lies a graveyard…the past was calling…and with the very first step into the sanctuary, the world as I knew it ceased to exist. Standing there between the quiet boulders, blasted by storms and scorched by the sun, my heart stood still for the first time in forever. Humbled by the ones who have been here so long ago, leaving a mark into infinity. A permanent mark… and humbled by the glory, in my nothingness, I felt free. I have been spoken into being, and it took all my feisty self to burn the useless shell. The ashes still cover the core, and it will take a good crying to wash them away. But in the filtered light, in the silence, being perfect was not a requirement…

In thy glory

I once listened to someone thundering words left and right…the only ones that stuck with me were these “no man is an island”. I couldn’t say what the discussion was about, I think it was more of a scolding than anything…maybe that’s why my ears were closed…but through the self-induced white noise, these words pierced like sharp shrieks of truth. Painful. Heavy. Astounding. Like a fist in the pit of my stomach…when I never expected it…leaving me breathless.

Wisdom is often used to teach. Words, parables, riddles, sayings, proverbs, they all have the same role; “he who doesn’t know his history, is bound to repeat it” goes one of my favorites… History, the past, things that have happened before, yesterday, an hour ago…they all teach in a small or big sense. Their memory, the more painful, the easier to remember. Why? Who knows…I couldn’t tell you…they say I’m too young to know all the answers, and too old to ask the questions…not that this stops me… But in all truth, we do tend to remember what hurt, more than the plain ol’ things, even if the lesson is more useful in the latter…

Some day soon I will be able to tell you the truth about mornings. About the beginning of each day, each life, each breath. About the peace that births all, about the sun that holds closer than a mother’s arms, and about the scents that sooth faster than the best medicine. We all define these things in our own way, we choose to recognize an entity in all of them, or to appreciate each on its own. Whatever you call it,  nature in its glory is king. Or is it queen? Not that it would ever matter! And in thy glory, oh, King, a small light still burns in at the end of tunnel, growing in intensity the closer I walk toward the truth.

Here’s my sun. I grew it with my own imagination. A great crop today! Fulfilling, warm, loving, healing. For you who are deprived, tired each Monday, teary after each smile, empty after you close the door, screaming inside your head so that you don’t upset the ones around you… I grew this from a seed. Take it. It’s enough for all of us. Besides, beauty never belongs…

It’s that time again!

Contemplating solutions is a favorite pass time of many competitive people. They usually call themselves “problem solvers”. By The way, don’t put that on your resume, it’s not fashionable anymore…so say “the experts”.

Finding answers to riddles was a favorite activity for me, too, when I was a child. Many times I would keep the answer to myself just so I can see what others come up with…sometimes it was boring, sometimes they had the exact same thinking; I guess some minds do think alike…

Today I found myself in a little maze. It was quite fun to keep my mouth shut for a change. Lately I have been ready to just blurt out the answer to all, mainly because they knew it, and were waiting on me to voice it, as I’ve done so many times… speaking their minds when they weren’t ready to…I let them down today. I let myself up, though. Like a hand stretched down to me, I felt this pull, and from the merry-go-round at full speed, I was extracted into the timeless peace. Again. Someone is trying really hard to remind me that I am a loved child…I am, however, so forgetful….it’s this darn “human nature”. If not, it’s just nature, period. It keeps messing with my senses…confusing me even more!

But as today it was that time again, to be caught like a feather in free fall, before I hit the ground, I thought you might need the reminder…you know, just in case you are as human as I am and you, for a moment there, forgot to let go. In that sunshine there is peace, and love, and hope, and quiet. Mostly quiet…and a feeling of comfort.

Here’s to a comforting week! May the ray shine on you, too!