shhh! I’m reading!

Short and sweet. And right on, too! In education Spring is a time of testing. The limits, patience, times, and brains. Today was the brains’ turn. And quite a whole bunch of those too! It just so happens that it this one is a beta, with all the mishaps that brings…so the unexpected became a dear friend.

I was supposed to roam and help out as needed. Unexpectedly, I was needed all the time. It’s a good feeling to be needed. Makes one feel…well, needed. Important. Helpful. Desired. Special. I’ll stop here. One of the new hats was called “reliever”. Boy, were those teachers relieved each time they saw me popping my head in their room and waving my little sign-in board at them…Perking up like little rabbit ears in a vegetable garden, they would immediately agree to “take five”. Of course, the “five” sometimes turned into 35… but that goes to show us that not all men are created equal. Women, too.

One of the times I was “relieving”, standing in the middle of the class watching like a hawk, I laid my eyes on a large book that a student was highly engrossed in. A hand went up and a whisper flew my way. Couldn’t tell what it was. My eyes grew big and I tried some mime games…turns out I’m not as good at it as I though… The owner of the hand just needed a restroom break…too easy! Maybe that’s how I missed it.

In the still of that eerie quiet, even breathing was reserved…my eyes wondered to the big book. I was so curious!.. I wanted to know! I had to know! I started walking slowly toward the child’s desk. There were so many packed in that room, and so intricately placed, that it felt like going to the fall fair, wandering in the maze… I finally reached my destination and two dark eyes looked up to me. “Is it interesting?” I asked in half-a-whisper. “shhh!” came the answer, “we’re not allowed to talk!”. My back sprung straight. Well! I say! Now that is true dedication! I lingered around the desk for a few seconds and I peeked at the book over the child’s shoulder. My brain went blank. The enticing lecture was a great big dictionary!…I don’t know about you, but I’ve never ever been so bored that I felt I needed to read a…dictionary!… It used to be that my own imagination would paint me the wildest pictures, and stories heard or made up would fill my empty times…

It saddened me. Is imagination lost? Are we raising our children without it? How will they survive? What will their life be without it?…

I returned at the end of the testing time and talked with the class while the teacher was taking the tests back to the testing room. I told them stories from afar. They listened with bright eyes, asked thousands of questions and gave me a little insight into their lives… And then I knew. They had no idea it was true! The world as they know it is only a street long…and there’s an ocean at the end, but they can’t swim…Maybe I’ll teach them to build a boat…a raft…anything that would take them further…they deserve to see…

through and through…

Yesterday had a great red sunset again. The air was heavy and hot…again. It’s summer! I know that for most of you out there Spring is barely blooming, but here, as it seems all happens too fast, the summer is here to scorch the fun out of the outdoors…

About a year ago there was a big debate in my circles about differences and about lenience. I remember being told how everything is not what it seems, how it’s all so different than every other place on earth, and how it all becomes old news in five minutes…and everyone. For the longest time I believed that to be a little lie, mostly because it’s only common in reality shows and junior high to have this kind of behavior…What was it called? Superficial? Yeap, something like that.

Well, taking this at face value and applying it to nature, as I resolved to do many a time when I have no words to describe my disbelief in humanity’s flaws, it would appear that the weather conforms with this rule. Everything lasts for five minutes…except for the summer, that is. So through and through, time and again, we find ourselves in a full blown summer…but when it’s not summer, we long for its warmth with all our might!… Just as I said. Humanity is flawed. Or maybe just part of it that is affected by the almost eternal summer…or could it just be me? Through the fog of my steaming sunglasses, the world is just a gathering of hot air, letting off through little holes of our conscience…

I’m a Spring baby, but in so many ways I long for summer to be eternal. Hot and bright. Unpredictable and intense. Burning my toes with its incandescent white sands…cooling my burns with its whispering or howling waves…

back to the drawing board

They call it growing up…the years we add on. I am sure there’s growing there, just not sure it’s up. I think it’s more like sideways, kinda’ like climbing a tree, you have to reach to your side to grab another branch to go higher. The idea is that you’re going to the top, but the going is hardly up…

This growing, up, sideways, or any other direction, gets terribly confusing. You think you know how to grab onto the branch, how to stabilize your holding foot, how to feel with the tips of your toes for the next stump that could become the step up…and in your climb you look around through the leaves and a whole world stretches at your feet! A sigh of triumph fills your chest and you look trustingly toward the top. There is more. But you know what you have to do. You can’t just stop…who did you see living in a tree, stuck on a branch? Sleeping like that would be torture anyway…

Up goes the gaze, looking for the next sturdy piece of tree that would hold you. The wind blows, and the tree rocks you. But for some reason, you feel safe. You reach out to grab the chosen branch, wrap your fingers around it, and tense your muscles, trying to pull your weight. Out of nowhere, a bird charges at your face…you were too close to its nest! A fraction of a second. Your grip is loose, the bark tears the skin on your palm as you try desperately to hold on to something, while shooing the angry devil away…You cover your face, and through tears of pain, you see your own blood.

The whole adventure was just a few seconds, but threw you back down the tree a few branches. You must be careful how you move, the little branch you lean on doesn’t seem so sturdy after all…Slowly and sobbing, you look up again, trying to find your balance. The tree is unchanged. Leaves and peace all around you. The fall was just in you. No other evidence you were up there but a few torn branches. And you must start climbing again…after all, it could have been worse; you could have fallen all the way to the ground. And that hurts more than the scrapes on your hands…

But for right now, you hug the trunk and put your ear to its bark. Is that a heart that you hear?…It is. Yours. Time to listen.

It’s not my fault you’re in my way!

“you’re like a little bulldozer, pushing over everything in your way”. This was a great way to start a conversation recently. Yes, I am being facetious. But it did start with these same words, in an attempt to excuse someone’s incapability to adapt to the new direction dictated by the boss. I am not the boss. All people in this story will be considered fictional, but if you think that you recognize one, pretend you didn’t. For your sake.

I like simple things. When simple things evolve, they divide into sequences of simple things. You  know, just like in math, you can break down the equation and understand the hidden answer, if only you stick with the obvious….and the simple things – in this case formulae…Well, I may be the last person on this side of Earth thinking like this…everyone else seems to be unable to grasp my logic…so if they all can’t, they’re either all dumb, and what am I doing around people like this? Or, I speak one too many languages, and they don’t understand me, in which case, what am I doing here? Either way, I need to find a different way to explain thing, although I cannot simplify “no”, or hit the road…Not permanently, mind you, just to get a breather..and find some intelligent being who can understand the words that are coming out of my mouth.

Think I’m too harsh? Please believe I am not. I have the history to prove it….all my “simple things” worked like clockwork…every time. Foolproof. The only variable that changed is the human factor. And just like some materials are better than other, some are really worse… I guess this time I got the latter…So here I am, bulldozing my way through the pile of mischief, trying to cut a path for my little new project, that, in all truth, was thrust upon me by the boss…but it became my problem now, uhm, my “project”, so it is my responsibility to “fix it”. And, oh, what a fixer I am! And, hey! It’s not my fault if anything’s in my way!

Hey! The doctor himself said it…I wonder if he passes for a bulldozer, too….Oh, well! If you got it, you flaunt it, right? So here I am, new nickname and all, ready to take on the world! Again. Just like every time. What else can I do? Lay down and let it be? I think the advice there is a really good one! I do need a bat! Now all I have to do is find the right one! Oh, and big enough! Happy Friday everyone! This one is going out with a bang!

the birds and the bees

No, I’m not going to sit you down and give you “that” conversation. If you are on WP, you are probably old enough to have had it already from your “magical ancestor who knows all truth”. But, being that I stick with the truth, no matter how bad it kicks me in the face, I will approach reality, and present you with the real conversation about these creatures…how it all happens…as it was explained to me by little feet the other day…or something like that…

As bed time was approaching, comments about the sudden change kept keeping the conversation animated and each time the reminder “it’s bedtime..” came, another question would strike. Valid. Interesting. Engaging everyone in another heated conversation. Until is was far too late, so the bed became an inviting thought. For me. Little feet was still going strong.

There was a bad storm yesterday, you see, tornado watch and all, so, for one who came from the bland land, a first rumble of this kind was quite impressive. At school, the teacher explained to all the little worried faces that it was an usual occurrence in some places around the world in Spring…just like the swarm of the birds and the bees. The explanation did not go past this announcement, so on the way home, at rush hour, a very serious little voice dropped the bomb “do you know about the birds and the bees?”. I am not sure if I hit the breaks, or if the car behind me just went faster, but I do know there was a loud screech. Might have been me. But couldn’t tell. All of the sudden millions of thoughts ran through my head at the same time, slammed into each other with all their might, and a white noise covered everything…or my ears were just ringing..don’t remember…

I tried to compose myself…”Hmm, what do you mean?”…”Well, my teacher…” and then the whole world fell back in place and I could breathe again. “How does it happen every Spring? Why”. Oh, bring it on, baby! For THAT, I had an answer. You see, nothing lasts forever, and the seasons take their time, and then let the next one come. The special thing about Spring is that it comes after Winter, when all is dead, so naturally, everything happening next is going to seem like such a big deal! You see a little flower blossoming…Oh, how adorable, your heart skipped a beat! Oh, and look at that beautiful bird coming back from God knows where…adorable! And so on…

As it turns out, so think the birds, and the other animals, because they appreciate each other more, now that the cold is gone. The scents make everyone wild, and the winds are really not helping…they actually carry a fragrance miles and miles away, making one think there’s something there, when it’s really not. The bees go crazy, because they are magnetism oriented…that’s what someone once told me, don’t quote me, but when the wind starts kicking in and the sun warms everything down, they interpret that as “time to go”…and they go…crazy.

The good part about it is that it only takes about 4 weeks. But, boy! What amazing nonsense time that is! It’a also good that humans have selective memory, so they can remember only what they want from all this experience…

Little feet was pleased with the conversation. The bees were forgotten, the birds, too, but more and more questions continued to splash around like a Spring shower all evening…and then they stopped. Long little eyelashes fluttered shut…It has been a long day, full of adventure…who knows what tomorrow will bring? After all, it’s Spring!

of angels and demons

There is a bit of each in every one of us.We choose to take the “right” one out as it serves our needs, desires, or just on a whim…of course, there are also the times when one or the other are summoned out of us like genies out of the bottle, when we get rubbed off a certain way. Whoosh! Out they come out of our eyes with sabers in hand, ready to hack into the one who dared trouble the peace in us. Fiery words with booming echos reverberate after each statement, engrossed in fury that we cast upon the trouble maker!

Oh, if thoughts and glances could kill, we’d be all lost! Lucky for us the demons, just like the angels, stay locked quite well into the corner of our being, and engraved deep into us, so they can’t escape all too often…

A nice little angel can always make someone’s day…and for some reason, the little angel is one that shys away from the gazes, speaks with timid voices, and flutters quietly around others. But on a good day, with the sun at its back, a little creature like that can make more rumble than the biggest storm, and shine brighter than the clearest diamond. And all around it, a little piece of heaven floats unbound, ready for you to take a slice home…or share with some unsuspecting sad soul, who had a terribly gray day.

My angel and demon were both on duty today, but as I left the quiet building, a little scent of jasmine carried on, the light was slim and rarefied…I could swear I heard the harps…sigh…and home, a soft and cozy fur ball welcomed me with “the look”. Angel or demon, it’s your call…

Spread ‘em!

There comes a time in every one’s new Spring when they remember the past Springs…with all the good and bad times. But as the human mind goes, only the very bad and the really good are maintained as memories, and should the brain have to “clean up” to “free up some space”, one would find that only the bad memories are kept…ironic? Uhmm, no?… Is that what defines us? The power of locking the bad in our minds for all eternity?

And if that is the case, then what about the whole bunch of positive messages we try to send to ourselves and others in need around us? The “in the end the good will prevail” type?…Is that a lie? Do we subconsciously send ourselves pep talks just to deny the fact that we are, of our own choosing, trapped in the dark side of our own brain? Are we sabotaging our lives without even knowing? Or do we know, but refuse to acknowledge because it defies the social standards?

There comes a time in every year’s Spring when I look back into my past and try to decipher my memories. The good ones mostly. I don’t believe we can change anything by hanging on to the bad, so, no gain, no pain. But there’s plenty to win by uncovering those sweet gems hidden in the deepest corners of the brain…Spring through the eyes of a 7 year old, or 10 year old, or the, oh, so tumultuous views of the teenager…I like to stop there, mostly because it gets exhausting by the end of 17… and quite frankly, things continued quite similarly afterwards…so no point in repeating…

The best remakes are still the smell of fresh new grass, the warm sunlight in my hair, the newborn forest with all its sounds and scents…and most of all the itch of the new beginning, the euphoria… there is a name for it where I come from, and it’s linked to a mild anemia, or lack of minerals in the depleted organisms after long winters…Heck, sold! Bring it on! Any excuse to act free and foolish and to feel with my whole heart is good enough for me! I wouldn’t allow myself to come even remotely close to this kind of nuttiness otherwise…But for the next 4 weeks or so I’ll run my feet to the bone, burn my heart to the core, breathe the last air bubble in my lungs, scream my mind off, and spread ‘em wide and fly high! Wind in my sails and no limits…now that’s what I call welcoming Spring!

Time to tan

You know you’re having a great time, or at least that you took a complete mental break from your usual busy self, when you “forget” internet or tv exist. Spring break is crowded, slightly cloudy, sunny most times, and incredibly warm. The beach is full of tourists on its “popular” side. But to those who hear the true “man and the sea” calling, to those who can understand the murmur of the wind and know the wrath of the waves, here’s a prelude to an up-and-comming symphony. Summer is almost here, as hard to believe as that is, and for all the ghosts out there, it’s time to tan. How else can one blend into the background?

Enjoy your newfound Spring! I hope that it brings some sunlight to warm your depleted, winter skin, wherever you may reside. If not, you’re always welcome to join the ranks… it’s a great big ocean, we’re happy to share!

R&R Mondays

After some rushing, shoving, pushing, kicking, smacking, staring contests, growling, spitting, and screaming all neurons out all week, came the meltdown, recorded in the ether, for all posterity, to remain a lesson that can be pulled out into the light any time temptation winks…Then came R&R, reality and reason….and a few glasses. Funny how a little bit of sweet chases away a lot of bitter! Here’s to you, kid!

In the spirit of change, you know… time change and all, and with the blossoming Spring hugging from every corner of the universe, a renewed sense of self started to come up in the sunlight. Granted, it’s the same ol’, same ol’, simply redressed old wound, but the new wrapping is weatherproof…or so I hope. And hope dies last, so I’ll stick with it! As self-preservation goes, I’ve done well for myself until I skipped my own advice… “never go off on your own without holding something first”…the old play it safe routine. Hey, it works, it’s proven to be a success, and it doesn’t bring you close to death when all falls apart! And intensity is overrated anyway! So back to the cold logic and reasoning…no thrill there, but now that I seem to have survived this last one, I can surely chalk it up to “the young and the fools”, restless doesn’t really describe it…

So back to the safety of my old shell. What a strange idea that I’ve grown out of it! Does one really ever completely grow out of their self?  Not this one! And now that I’ve finally opened my eyes in the comfort of my own personal heaven, I’m surprised to discover that it’s actually not dark at all in here! You know how they say to keep your eyes tightly closed, just so you don’t see the scary mess when passing by, because it will scar you for life? That’s great advice, but it’s so outdated! That and “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”?! Now, that one, I disagree. Stronger might not be the right word here…reluctant, scared, cautious, distant…even cold…all these might come close to what really happens…yeah, you’re still standing. Great! Good for ya’! What a tough cookie! But it’s not really like that, now, is it?

However, this little piggy went to the market. Could have stayed home, but no! It had to be the market…We all know the story, and moreover, we all know what happens with little piggies at the market! So now that the brick house is still standing, this little one will just stay hidden in there, thinking about logic and the forethought…and enough with the whining…After all, it’s only Monday, and new beginnings are always scary!…

cry me a river

To  quench  my burning skin…to fill my hands with cool and transparent aloe…to heal the wounds… There are no words left, just the white waters running over the rocks that cover me today… All of this will not matter a little later…but until the later comes, the rocks will hold me down and the rushing waters will fill my lungs. I haven’t mastered using my gills, heck, I haven’t even considered growing them…but as it seems, we do come equipped with all we need to adapt…or at least some of us do.

Had my head listened to my heart in the beginning, all would be fine now. But as it turns out, I’m really, really smart, unless I’m really, really stupid! And stupid hits me like a bus, with no warning…and then I’m broken. And a part of me just dies and never comes back to life, like a dead limb on th etree…it’s there, you can still see it, but don’t hang on to it because it’ll fall to pieces…and then all that’s left if the pain… and the tears…if I can cry me a river to wash it all away…if…

This is not a good read for you. I have nothing nice to say. I will find something tomorrow. But, for now, I’ll lie still and develop my breathing under water…I must adapt. Or maybe I’ll just go into a psychological-emotional coma, and just rest for a while… And try to stay the heck away from it all…this time I will.