I always thought that if you try hard enough, you can actually distance yourself from the object of your discontent, rage, sadness, heartache… I still think you can. I do remember being wise enough at some point to do so…or maybe I was just in denial…whatever it was, it was working and I needed it back.

But how do you effectively step back. Truly. To the point of complete peace within yourself. With no little hidden grudge, no bitter taste, no revenge… The answer to this question is not an easy one. We are all different and take things in with our own grain of salt…well, most of us, most of the time, I guess that’s why they call it personal perspective. One size doesn’t fit all in this case either…But since a recipe for sanity must be out there, and I just didn’t find all the ingredients, I am starting to collect them as I grow into my own better self.

I found one to be most potent of all, but even this one has to have backup some days like today…the ocean…breathing its salts revives the soul; hearing its whispers soothes the heart; wrapping oneself in its infinite strength restore the belief that man was once giant…

But today all the doors to logic were closed. The locks weighed heavily on the weathered wood…I guess when the rains wash the varnish away, things just don’t slide down so easily…and scratch everything in their path, to the very core. It might just be that the wind carries all these grains of sand, and lays them on everything that would stand in its way. Any attempt to brush them off turns them into little needle points…engraving their mark on the skin…

Every morning a sweet smile calls to me. Through the steam of my coffee I look at the mesmerizing picture…every day it’s different; some days the sun rises just on top of a statue, casting surreal light; other days, the fog mystically wraps around the dim figures… and some days it’s just still and peaceful, and calling me with its calm. I promised myself I will one morning snap a few shots to share this feeling.

My mornings aren’t what they used to be, though…and they turn into mid-day faster than I can realize.. But this morning a warm orange smile grabbed hold of my soul. It wouldn’t let go. I was dragged in by the strings of my heart, by the tip of my nose, and by the blank in my head. I found myself wandering through the peace. And, boy! was that great for my sanity!

There, by the aged boulders, in the quiet, I found the other most powerful ingredient for my recipe. Humility. Nothing makes one feel more complete than seeing the tiny place given to him in the world, a small piece of an intricate puzzle. No major roles to take on, no tough calls to make, no hard feelings. Just peace. Just being a part of the bigger picture.

In the middle of the city there lies a graveyard…the past was calling…and with the very first step into the sanctuary, the world as I knew it ceased to exist. Standing there between the quiet boulders, blasted by storms and scorched by the sun, my heart stood still for the first time in forever. Humbled by the ones who have been here so long ago, leaving a mark into infinity. A permanent mark… and humbled by the glory, in my nothingness, I felt free. I have been spoken into being, and it took all my feisty self to burn the useless shell. The ashes still cover the core, and it will take a good crying to wash them away. But in the filtered light, in the silence, being perfect was not a requirement…

In thy glory

I once listened to someone thundering words left and right…the only ones that stuck with me were these “no man is an island”. I couldn’t say what the discussion was about, I think it was more of a scolding than anything…maybe that’s why my ears were closed…but through the self-induced white noise, these words pierced like sharp shrieks of truth. Painful. Heavy. Astounding. Like a fist in the pit of my stomach…when I never expected it…leaving me breathless.

Wisdom is often used to teach. Words, parables, riddles, sayings, proverbs, they all have the same role; “he who doesn’t know his history, is bound to repeat it” goes one of my favorites… History, the past, things that have happened before, yesterday, an hour ago…they all teach in a small or big sense. Their memory, the more painful, the easier to remember. Why? Who knows…I couldn’t tell you…they say I’m too young to know all the answers, and too old to ask the questions…not that this stops me… But in all truth, we do tend to remember what hurt, more than the plain ol’ things, even if the lesson is more useful in the latter…

Some day soon I will be able to tell you the truth about mornings. About the beginning of each day, each life, each breath. About the peace that births all, about the sun that holds closer than a mother’s arms, and about the scents that sooth faster than the best medicine. We all define these things in our own way, we choose to recognize an entity in all of them, or to appreciate each on its own. Whatever you call it,  nature in its glory is king. Or is it queen? Not that it would ever matter! And in thy glory, oh, King, a small light still burns in at the end of tunnel, growing in intensity the closer I walk toward the truth.

Here’s my sun. I grew it with my own imagination. A great crop today! Fulfilling, warm, loving, healing. For you who are deprived, tired each Monday, teary after each smile, empty after you close the door, screaming inside your head so that you don’t upset the ones around you… I grew this from a seed. Take it. It’s enough for all of us. Besides, beauty never belongs…

It’s that time again!

Contemplating solutions is a favorite pass time of many competitive people. They usually call themselves “problem solvers”. By The way, don’t put that on your resume, it’s not fashionable anymore…so say “the experts”.

Finding answers to riddles was a favorite activity for me, too, when I was a child. Many times I would keep the answer to myself just so I can see what others come up with…sometimes it was boring, sometimes they had the exact same thinking; I guess some minds do think alike…

Today I found myself in a little maze. It was quite fun to keep my mouth shut for a change. Lately I have been ready to just blurt out the answer to all, mainly because they knew it, and were waiting on me to voice it, as I’ve done so many times… speaking their minds when they weren’t ready to…I let them down today. I let myself up, though. Like a hand stretched down to me, I felt this pull, and from the merry-go-round at full speed, I was extracted into the timeless peace. Again. Someone is trying really hard to remind me that I am a loved child…I am, however, so forgetful….it’s this darn “human nature”. If not, it’s just nature, period. It keeps messing with my senses…confusing me even more!

But as today it was that time again, to be caught like a feather in free fall, before I hit the ground, I thought you might need the reminder…you know, just in case you are as human as I am and you, for a moment there, forgot to let go. In that sunshine there is peace, and love, and hope, and quiet. Mostly quiet…and a feeling of comfort.

Here’s to a comforting week! May the ray shine on you, too!

there’s always yesterday…

When the clouds weigh down the sky, and the winds blow the shirt off of you, and the only thing holding your hair on your head or the eyelashes on your eyes is mere will power, the mood tends to go awry, too. But as humans are supposed to be driven by reason, not by first tendencies…we strive to alter our mood and be civil.

I was taught since early childhood that one doesn’t react to the present until the events have been processed through the filters of the past and future circumstances. I remember my great-grandmother’s face, framed by the soft, white hair that she always wore in a long braid, as she laid the clearest baby blue gaze on me. It felt like being wrapped in pure morning sky. Solemn, brisk, warm and safe. Her lessons were never taught…for some reason I would begin to listen to her words, and it all seemed a story, yet at the end of it I’d feel my life had changed a bit more…never knew how she did it…never seen anyone able to speak into one’s mind quite like her either…I can’t remember the actual lessons either, but I can clearly say how I felt after each one, and how the feeling followed me throughout my life! Talk about great educators! Her quest to train me was obvious in how she treated me, always with a little reverence, and lots of intransigence that was never stern or overbearing. I fact she is the only person I knew who never had to raise her voice in a loud conversation, and always got the right of way…she called me her blue child…

I looked it up many years later, when missing her was more than just a feeling. It has quite the interesting twist, that, frankly, I don’t see in myself. But I always lean on her words when what comes to me weighs me down…There’s always yesterday, she used to tell me…look back. The answer is there, in you, in your past, in the people who were there beside you since the beginning.

I guess at some point I was expected to grow and tend to myself, and maybe raise my blue child the same way…and I hope I am making her proud, after all, I am using her lessons in my own way, not as baby blue gazed as she did, but the thought is there, and so is she, alive and bright in my memory, guiding my steps with a quiet nod, as always…

Here’s to great yesterdays and the people that were put in our lives to steer us! Here’s yesterday’s sunset to brighten today’s storm! Literally!

 

 

when the waters rise…

I woke up to the sound of the wind rustling the palm trees. I thought the storm had already started, but, no, the sun was glistening in all its glory. Crazy wind…the one thing that’ll always get me restless…ready to go… The coffee started grunting soon and the scent filled the house. At least the sound of the darn wind was gone for a while…

Usually when winds like this blow, the water just disappears…terrible thing! The thought pulled me on my feet and to the porch, to check! Much to my surprise, the boat was still there only because it had been well tied to whatever was left of the pier…the wind was trying to snatch it. The water rose so much last night that the boat was happily residing on top of the pier…Now that’s a first! Someone told me, when the waters left in the spring, that when the wind blows from the south, or was it from the north?…I can’t remember, but, anyway, all this business with the waters is the wind’s doing! I wonder if the fish come too…do they get blown in like that as well? Better get my frying pan ready…

But now the question is “how do I harness the wind?”… surely others have tried it before…I wonder if anyone succeeded…I really need some sleep, and it’s either stopping the wind or cutting down the palm trees! I’d hate to cut the trees, though…but if enough days go by, my brain will know no reason anymore…so I better hide the saw. Thank God I don’t own an axe! My neighborhood would be bare by now!

 

new old friends

There are times in life when we think we’ve been “there”, doing “just that” before…le deja vu …such a strange certainty and such a scary feeling… “am I losing my mind? When have I seen this before? Maybe I’ve dreamt it” comes the brain to the rescue, trying to reassure us that we’ve still got it together…and slowly it all fades off, like a bad dream at dawn.

It happens to all at least once, for some it happens a lot…but what do you do when the deja vu, or maybe it should be called deja done, has to do with a very real past experience? Like a friendship…Once upon a time I had a dear friend. We did everything together, like best friends are supposed to do. My dolls were her dolls, and we drank tea in her mom’s chinese porcelain cups on Saturdays. We knew each other’s thought and a simple look would tell a whole story. A great childhood perfection!

I was recently blessed with a new friendship, a whole lot different than the other, but of a striking resemblance to the one I once thought to be a unique childhood feat. A new dimension to it is obvious now…there is no competition and comparison…and communication is still telepathic, making all around us raise the eyebrow…The surprise is there for us all, but as someone once told me, I’ll just say “thank you!” and not ask myself any questions… except for one…is it possible to have old new friends? Or are they called deja’amis?

growing old…

I made myself a promise when I was a child: “by …. years I will have done…., accomplished …. many things, and will have had at least a precious offspring”. This morning brought streamers, shouts, giggles, songs, smiles, roses and presents.

I am not a morning person…but this morning I was as excited as a child on Christmas day. I didn’t jump out of bed. I stormed out. Today was the day! My list needed checked and I was going to do that right away and be done with it for another 10 years…that’s the next bracket. I hope I do better on it by that time!

By noon I had forgotten all about it…little foot et co. had made me oblivious of all world out there. I did learn that IHOP is extremely busy on Good Friday, especially if you want a seat by the window…you know, to have the ocean close at all times. It also seems that those are the greatest waffles in the world, judging by the amount of them little foot can scarf down…

Then came the cake… you know you’re not a cake person when…you let your little foot pick out a surf cake for your birthday! It was just as sweet as any other… and, hey! “those little ninjas will fit perfectly on that surfboard!”…I guess sharing is what I do best…sometimes…

The list will have to wait some more years…it will most likely get amended…so much on it is not in my dreams anymore. New, simpler, more powerful items have been added without my even realizing it. I guess we have just as much power over our destiny as it has on us! Here’s to a new year! I’ve made it so far…unbelievable! I will have to start my memoirs soon…so much has happened, that I am starting to get foggy on details…must put them on paper…for little foot. Reading about nuts is important, when the nuts are at the root of your tree…

To those of you who observe it, may this Good Friday bring you the revelation as well.

 

What is love?

At 6 a.m. this question can bring one to tears. Not of joy. Not of sorrow. But the surprise is so great, that when the eyes fly open, tears spring out without delay… Little foot was waiting semi-patiently for the response. I stood there, flipping through the pages still open in my brain, trying to find one that would prompt a good enough answer. Or at least an answer that would detour the little mind long enough for me to wake up…

“Uhm…isn’t that what you feel inside for your parents?” I asked in half a voice, yawning, trying to cover the words…A pause came…eyes trying to catch mine and look further than the surface… “No, that’s not what I mean” the little voice kept on relentlessly, “other love, not just that”.

At 6:10 my mind was wide awake. A conversation on the topic would not be possible that early. In the best voice I found, I explained to the little restless mind that I will try to figure out how to explain, but just a little later. “We’ll read a book when we come back from school, ok?”… The agreement came, a little unsure, but I wasted no time thinking it over, and on to the next thing we went!

On the way to work, with the biggest red sun I’ve seen in forever smiling back at me, I felt my heart fly. Yes, with spring, tropical paradise, surreal colors, scents that intoxicate all around you, no logic is going to still be there. No abstract thinking will remain standing, and all theory is going to hell. And then it hit me! I pointed to the sun and asked little foot for the first thing that came to mind… “wow! it’s so beautiful! I feel warm!”. And just like that, love got its definition. And I was off the hook.

So for those of you who need to answer that question for someone, or even if you needed to explain it to yourself…here’s a little one’s take on it – unbiased. “Love is what warms your heart and makes you happy”.  And that’s good enough for me!

May your day warm up, and may you feel happy and loved!

Arranged

Things are more than they seem…most of the times. This will not be one of the “usual” posts. It will be short and open ended. There is so much to say about arrangements, that I most definitely wouldn’t want to rob you of the opportunity to speak your mind.

I had a little arrangement at some point. It involved providing entertainment in exchange for a little bit of peace of mind. Seems like a better idea to physically arrange things…or at least for me, without any business sense…than to enter arrangements without all the information, no alternatives, and lots of demands…

Now my ducks are in a row…or is it a pattern?! And at least I can watch them every day at feeding time, and know exactly what I’m looking at, and what to expect. It’s a good feeling knowing…gives one security and confidence. I don’t lack either as it seems, but it never hurts to have more.

five things I’ll never do…

Learning to walk again is harder than it seemed all those many years ago… for some reason, the fall was shorter, too. Maybe because my height was not where it is now. Maybe because I was so used to crawling and sitting, that falling on my own padding didn’t seem so dramatic. For whatever reason, I’ve come to realize that with time going by, I am more and more set in my ways, and any major change will leave a deep scar that will alter my outlook on life and the people I meet. It made me appreciate so much more the ones that have been and stayed in my life, despite my challenging personality. To those, I thank rom the deepest corner of my heart. They were the ones to give me their hand and pull me off the ground each time I fell.

In light of learning to walk again, with what seems to be completely strange feet, and seeing how hard it is each time to get up and start over, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are at least a dozen things that I will never do in life. And that is perfectly fine. Here are just five of them. The rest are better kept unsaid…

I’ll never grow sea legs. I wouldn’t know what to do with them. They wouldn’t fit in my shoes any way…I wonder if you wear shoes with those…

I’ll never be a circus acrobat. I’m afraid of heights. And three animals around me are just plenty. I can’t stand the smell of a menagerie anyway.

I’ll never fly to the moon. Again, I’m afraid of heights. But I’m also a bit unsure you ever get there…there have been too many conflicting stories…and I’m just not all that drawn to the cosmos…those meteors can come out of anywhere, anytime. Not much peace of mind and enjoyment on that voyage.

I’ll never eat oysters. Some things are not meant to be eaten. By me. They’re better left alone. I will enjoy picking their shells on beach…they are beautiful.

I’ll never doubt myself. Those thoughts and hunches are there for a reason. And that reason has always been self preservation. No risk, no gain, says an old Asian proverb. I’ll stick with no gaining any more strange experiences. While going through life has to mean acquiring knowledge, it also means getting to the end of it in one piece. At least for the sake of those we gather in our lives along the way.