In not so many words…

Pouring out the stuff that clogs the souls is hard…no words really want to come out…But the load must be shed or it will weigh down the poor misfortunate, and despair will flood heart and mind…tsunami…best that I could describe it…but rather than finding words, I’ll use others’ before me…everything is old news, after all…And to set the stage, this is what happened:

And because logic should prevail, and some of us still believe in courtesy, ethics, and strong values, sometimes we choose to “argue with ignorance”…we all have those days… even though it’s a proven no-no…

The voice of reason comes in shape of friends sometimes…and they have all the right things to say, and you know it’s the right thing to do, yet the tsunami tore off the roots of your beliefs, and the water is drowning your lungs…but they are right, and you know you should listen…

And you repeat the words to yourself, over and over, trying to cling to one that will save you from the whirlpool of pain…and try to find reason for the lack of it…to no avail…

But with this promise, closed tightly in your fist, curled up in yourself, you look for a sun to warm your tired body. And wish for the battle of the worlds to never have happened…but you can’t unsay the words, undo the past, or move on…so you take what you have, your strength, and put one stumbling foot in front of the other. As tall as your knees will hold you, as calm as your face will hide, as determined to understand that “you can’t fight with ignorance”, once and for all… you have nothing to prove, but everything to lose. So it’s best to seek shelter, and keep quiet…except words must go somewhere, so here they are…

It may all be lost tomorrow, but you will always have yesterday…

Being anyone

Someone recently said, in more words than I will use, that we are unique, unlike others. It made me wonder… what if we are unique, but still too similar? What if we, somehow, without even realizing it, have mimetic abilities that make us resemble others more than we want?

This can be good and bad, as I look at things…I am a semi-blank slate, ready for masters to do their work, and paint me in the most amazing colors, give me wings, hey! why not make me supernatural? That’s the learning part, one must always be grateful to have great teachers that shape their future, crazy dreamers that believe in what they do and love what they teach… But then, again, I am a mirror and I pick up all reflections, mostly the highly contrasting ones, which are usually made of raw feelings…that I can, in turn, raise to the power of X and transform a mere passer by in a pile of ashes if they stumbled around me too long…not good! Must learn to control…

This can be interesting…as I can be anyone I choose, or anyone who chooses me…a multi-faceted sculpture, a raw gypsum, waiting for the varnish to give me life…any variation in this highly important, and somewhat vain component will determine my appearance to others and to myself…hmmm, I could be anything…

I could ask for some reds and oranges, and, shaking my mane in the wind, I could be a demon with eyes of fire and sounds of crushed steel…uhm, nah! doesn’t inspire me…

I could just choose to stay unprimed, bare of all color, still, and light, like an angel…But knowing me, I won’t be able to be still for more than five minutes, so…angel is out, too!

I could just idle for a while…until I find my favorite “one” to emulate… maybe I will, maybe I won’t, but the fun of the chase will keep me going until I trip over the next boulder…

Picture perfect

Often times we see people who seem happy. Their face looks relaxed, there is evidence of a smile, wrinkles to prove it and all, the voice, if they speak to us, is playful and calm. One would never guess what happens behind the curtains, for the show must go on. Some people are like that…

Some just hide from the world when the bat hits. Pulling Sisyphus’ boulder up life’s path, broken, tired, with no view of a better tomorrow in sight…they place one foot in front of the other, in complete silence, shutting out all lively noises around them, concentrating on grieving the task. They don’t smile, and their voice is raspy, if they ever address you a word.

And some are just as ignorant as the Fool…looking at the heavens, while stumbling into anything in their path, be it a pot of gold or a whole in the ground…They are build with a flaw: they believe in life, in good, in God, and in justice. They serve with joy, forget themselves, and don’t hold grudges. They live in the clouds…painting the universe in pretty colors, singing its praise for all to hear. They create their own picture perfect world. They hurt just like anyone else when they fall, and they fall harder because they fly too high…but they continue to give fully, no in-between.. Life is. Beautiful.

There are so many others out there, with much more interesting traits, but for some reason, tonight, the Fool speaks to me in a language I can understand. I dream in color, and build playful worlds. I sing the beauty, and hand the rainbows to anyone who wants one. I believe in forever and a day. I love the sun, the moon, and the voices of innocence. I rinse my heart often in the ocean, so that no muck of the every day sticks to it. I let the wind teach me to speak…too much at times…but trying to have no remorse. I pick myself up, and get myself going…again. Life is. A gift…

Like so many gifts that we all should share, here’s my picture perfect. It is as real as tomorrow, and as warm as the sun on a Texas spring morning…a fragment of life…my take on things…for tonight, I am the Fool.

In remembrance

The first memory of her that I have is soaked in a blurry sunlight, coming through the white summer curtains. The window was open and I could hear voices in the distance…Her hand was soft and smelled like fresh baked bread. I must have been four or five. I can still remember the texture of my pillow cover, embroidered by her hand with minuscule flowers and a pink bunny that used to leave a mark on my cheek after a summer day’s nap…I loved it! She was gently brushing the hair off my face, whispering something that only she could hear. Every summer morning was like this…too bad I had to grow up…

If I had to pick one thing to say about her, I wouldn’t know where to start…she didn’t just touch my life, she had a strong hold on it, molded it, shaped it, carved out the bad, patched up the broken, built up the great! So what can one say about her that is brief?

That she was brave? She was barely six during WW II. She told me so much of what had happened, all of it carved up in my memory with bright letters…

That she was kind? She knew no foe…she gave it her all, to all, all the time… In her memory, I will try to do the same, though my stubbornness will not be helping…

That she valued education? “You must remain curious forever. There’s always something new to learn!” Oh, the thousands of books we read together, hundreds of museums and historical places she dragged me in, modern philosophers that she would debate life with on so many afternoons… Life is full of learning…”It is never done”…

That she was strong? Too much to say about this…maybe I will write her story one day soon…her life was wilder that many books I’ve read…

All of the above, and more, taken on their own, don’t even come close to describe her…I could just say that she had mastered love… giving love… unconditionally…timeless…permanent…the kind that will never be wiped away by any of life’s waves…

And one day I will be able to say her name without being shaken by her absence…and broken by the unsaid good-bye…One day, time will have washed over me enough, and I will, again, look at the clear sky and hear her voice… ’till then…

Zen…

There comes a time in everyone’s life when time stands still but all universe continues to spin. And in a zen garden made entirely of personal thoughts, one will cling to any calm image that gives the slightest amount of comfort…and for a sliver of time, all will be stable.

With every hurricane that throws debris all over the immaculate world we create, and with every gruesome tornado, we learn to live with less, appreciate more, and hold on to the untouchables with all our strength. Here today, gone tomorrow…makes living each second to the fullest a great thing to do! I was once told to make sure I do not do anything I will regret, to keep a clean heart, and to mind my mouth…I am doing great with the first two…the third is sometimes more than I can help. But I am still learning to control to volcano… What I did master, or maybe I should say what my brain has mastered, is a complete stand-by routine that helps me ride the rough whitewaters when they come. If you have ever watched Rango, I’m the little lizard that freezes when emotions are too intense…”it’s a coping mechanism”…

And in my safe, secluded from the outside stressors, little made up world, there’s soothing music and a waterfall.. One of these days I’ll find that place in real life…’till then, I’ll seek the quiet place on the busy road where no cars can hit me….and zen!

On parenting and pets…

This is the day that all recognize their mothers. For the warmth their arms give when they’re held close, for the peace of mind, for the safe feeling they get around them, for the sweet words, and the loving smile, even for the occasional scolding, as it all comes from a loving heart.

It is the day that most think about the duty of the mother, so elegantly performed. The gratitude goes to being fed, clothed, kept in a clean home, needs tended to, with no other responsibility but to be there…well, maybe even that is overlooked at times…

One often thinks of motherhood as the job of a woman, granted when the child is born. It only takes about 20 years, I was once told. For the record, I hadn’t asked the question, the advice was just offered. But I rather liked not sleeping nights, stepping on scattered toys, waking up at all odd hours of night to fix a curtain or give a hug, telling quiet stories to get little eyelashes to flutter shut when my own were not far from doing the same, squeezing my creative brain to come up with  funny foods for the picky eater, that would also help raise a healthy body. But most of all, I liked the existential questions, coming at the most unbelievable times, when all I had prepared was the “let’s talk about it later” speech.

The newest one is on pets. The door opened and a happy voice yelled: “This is Alex, he is our new pet!”… Oh, no! We do not need a new pet, we’ve got plenty of pets. I turned around to lay eyes on Alex and prepared to deliver my “no more pets in this home” speech. Little foot was proudly holding a jar. It had a vent at the top and there were leaves inside. A caterpillar came in that jar from “Seed and read”…Hmm. Now that was not a pet by my calculations…So as I figured, it will either get lost or get eaten by the existent pets. No biggie.

The issue became clear though…little foot had every intention to consider Alex a pet! “Alex will sleep in my room”. Translation: Alex was in the bed already. Try as I might, I could not get any sense into the matter. Well, how hard can it be? I’ll give it a try. It seems that it was not the best idea, as I now have four pets to tend to, and two children, one of which is fully grown…and a “new home for Alex that includes the “dirt bed” with a few rocks “for authenticity”…

So, if you have any words of wisdom on caterpillar care, now’s the time to hand them over! I am on a mission to teach little foot applied parenting! And maybe a little understanding of the fact that parenting comes with a lot more than just having someone to play with.

It’s just a face…

There are many out there that wear a mask every day. It’s not for fear that they will be recognized, but for fear of judgement. Although it’s “nobody’s business” what one decides to wear on their face, be it a smile, a frown, a smirk, a flat, yes, you can wear a flat expression, at the end of the day, if people feel in any way deterred by one’s expressiosn, they should simply overlook it.

A smiley face is always welcome, but what if one has nothing to smile about? No major worries may abound, nor might there be any pain or hurt, but simply one could have a quiet day, when smiles are not necessary…I wonder what a “just normal” face should look like.

Too serious, you’re a tough cookie. Too smiley, you’re funny bones. Too cheery, you’re bright eyed and bushy tailed. Yet a lack of expression can bring some to tears. All too often we consider what others think, rather than what we do. And so the focus is in the delivery of the message, rather than the content. The “right dose” of happy, cheerful, stern, serious, worried, patient, reassuring must be placed evenly on all the corners of a face so that the message doesn’t get mistaken for something else…

Whatever happened to lecture? It has been discontinued in favor of “more exciting” teaching…Lecture is a two way street as well, though, when done right. One preaches, in full detail, and one listens, with all seriousness. Both gain. One is sure that the whole information has been passed on, and the other is happy to have heard all that pertains to the subject. Interactivity. Delivering the lesson in a fun way. Great! Let’s play! But when testing comes…we’ll just figure something out.

Thinking skills don’t just happen. They start out as little seeds, planted in a fresh bed, and cared for every day, consistently, across the board, by all the gardeners in the family. It takes a village to raise a child…there must have been a reason for this saying… I’m sure. But as I don’t have all the facts about what really happened to yield these words, I will spare you the lecture and  just do something fun. Like play with my food. And I just won’t wear my feelings for the rest of the week. Just a little experiment. Hope it doesn’t blow up in my face…maybe I should just find a prop…just in case…oh, well! It’s just a face…

basking in history

Treasure hunting is amazing…the excitement of new discovery, even of old and well known facts, can’t compare to anything…at least for some. Finding new perspectives to old items is such an entertaining task! Finding the willingness in oneself to simply discover, without jaded views, a new facet to life around is probably one of the very few true learning experiences still done only for the sake of curiosity.

Today there will be historical homes to track down and explore. This unusual task has prompted the old researcher in me…Funny what one can find if they look further than the tip of their nose to what’s in front of them…So much unsaid within the walls of the old buildings I pass by every day on my way to work. So many words and warnings other have said, unrecorded, bound to make us repeat history… Unless…the wake up call can be heard by more than just half of ear….

funny thing, life…

Focusing on a goal. The purpose in one’s life. Family. Career. Love. Longing. Dreams. Reality as one perceives it. Life…in all its beauty! Ways and ways to describe seconds passing by… The good, the bad, and the amazing!

This week started unlike any other…it felt like the last never finished…like Saturday turned into night and lasted forever…and then the sun rose again, and it was Monday.

Saturday night was the Prom. Yes, you’re nodding, you know what it feels like. Normally, as an innocent bystander, I would just prep attire and enjoy a quiet night with a great movie. This time around I had to play artist…granted, I was not alone in this, but as any perfectionist would agree, a job well done is one that you do yourself. You know, making sure nobody trips over the overly expensive soft light right before the Prom pictures are supposed to start happening…or that the settings on the top-of-the-line camera are not accidentally messed up, after spending hour setting everything up…little things like that…or calming down hyperventilating professionals who can’t cope with the excited, prom dressed, on high heels, partying crowd.

My job was so easy! All I had to do was make sure all was perfect! The only little issue was at the end of the night, when my cheeks wouldn’t relax from “smile” position, and my niceties had completely finished so my bubbly self turned to a taciturn pumpkin… which I haven’t managed to shake…I am now hiding behind my shades and try to smile pretty, in passing, for fear that anyone who would ask me anything might get the void that I’m staring into…

But funny thing, life…it gathers all that you imagine, and whatever you might not, puts it all together, shakes it well and offers you the wildest cocktail, that you have never envisioned. And you can gulp it down and loath it, or your can experience the new taste with open mind, and try to find the flavor that you can live with, or, who knows..maybe even enjoy!

Here’s to the wild card! May we play it to win!