And sometimes I lay on the tracks…

I’ve often thought about the reasons why some people think their life is useless to them and others, and decide to do away with it in the most Kareninesque ways…. you know, jumping in front of a train, from a bridge, slitting their throats, slashing their wrists, upsetting the mob, or simply crossing the boss…

I thought about the whys and the what ifs, and I didn’t really come to any conclusions… I mean, I couldn’t do it, and my life is a roller coaster. Literally. Emotionally, events wise… Not a second to be bored. I have the strangest and most extraordinary things happen on a daily basis. Take romantic gestures, for example, and it’s just one of the many examples, too; how many “girls” get a flower from a complete stranger “just because”, not once, not twice, but every so often, each time without the expectation of a rendez-vous? The first time it was awkward, the second time was puzzling, the third was already becoming familiar… I’m not a beauty, to think that it may have been my ravishing charm that compelled the poor gents to abide by their inner calling… But I must posses the “strangeness” if it keeps happening…

I also draw the most intense emotions out of people in life-and-death matters, like when they make choices. I’ve known people five minutes and have heard their life story in the last 3… people who have never opened up to anyone before, that nobody could remember even mentioning personal life… It’s not a gift. A gift is when I could help them find the right path. But all I can do is listen. And then words come out and I don’t know if they help or frighten the poor people back in their shell. Well, sometimes, I can tell…

But lately I’ve found myself laying on the tracks of life, mind you, on the retired ones, where no train will ever pass again, stretched against the cold metal, looking at the skies above in complete abandon. With no feeling. At least not my usual hyped up feelings. No shadow of remorse, no regrets, no longing either… Just still and inanimate. Like  a rock. Testimony of time and actions that went past my humanity, my core, my outer self…

Have I changed? Not really. Not that I can really attest. But there is a pause in me when the world gets silly. No knee jerk reaction to the impulse anymore.. And sometimes I lay on the tracks. Not waiting. Just pausing. And I look at the skies. And that is fine.

in your dreams…

A gypsy took my hand once, I didn’t want to know what she saw, but she grabbed it, and words came out…they didn’t make sense at the time. In a life that doesn’t exist anymore, a gypsy told me my future… “there will be a lot of travel, child,” she said, “and lots of talking. Your words will be honey, and your aura will attract many, and you will open paths for them, and close doors for yourself. You have the power to build a universe! Don’t waste it!”…

Ha! Sure.. and I shall be king!.. all is true, right? We all have the power to be all we dream we could be… But, boy, was she right about the travel…and about the words…and about the doors… I have not build a universe yet, but, then again, I’ve only gone so far… there’s still a little time ahead, if all goes well. Funny how we remember such things… locked in our memory, ready to come out.. uncalled, weightless, unimportant, but coming to rebuild the fortress of our self-esteem. With tiny pieces of our own selves, and twisted words of others… it’s called interpretation, taking random, rigid sentences, and turning them into verses that sing to hearts and spirits… blessed be those who have the gift to interpret their own universe, for theirs will be the future… for the restless and inquisitive  mind, heaven is dreaming up a memory you never knew you had, that takes you back to that time in life when shelter was not deemed necessary, and there was no scare that a mother’s touch couldn’t ease… and in your dreams, you built a universe, yours alone, filled with delight, and the little things that you once knew… and then you started to grow, and the little things were forgotten, but never erased.

May you find your dreams soon. The simple and true. And may the lighten up your universe… ’till then, you can join me and mine… I’ll just need to find the honey, and paint my aura bright… but if it makes you happy, it will make me happy, too!

Oh! and…

A piece of peace…

There is something fascinating about mornings, something that jolts the strings of my heart and makes me think I can walk on air. No, I am not actually convinced I could do that, so I do not attempt it… too often… It must be my heritage…or maybe my exacerbated sensitivity to color, scents and sound…It may even have a name, but I just can’t think of it.

Moving near the water was meant to teach me some things…I believe life brings you places for certain reasons…but in the rush of the change there was no time to just sit and and wonder of the purpose. Nature, as a good mother, splashed its colors and miracles in front of my dazzled eyes from day one, trying to gently whisper the truth in my year. But with all the intensity and sensuality of the place, thinking tends to go on the back burner, unless, of course it is mandatory and life saving… And so disolved my logic… And left without the pillar of my reason, I drifted back and forth on the ocean of color, my heart’s strings so stretched that at every breath of wind, a screeching wail would pierce the quiet, like a desolate violin song…

They call it desensitizing, when one gets exposed gradually to the same stressor, so that their body builds resistance to it. I guess if my thinking had been activated, the desensitizing would have worked; but when the soul, like a sponge ready to absorb the new, was left without its reason, a million paths opened, making it impossible to follow the “right one”. And then the skies have fallen, and the sense of preservation kicked in, the logic took over and killed all the input form the heart… Such a battle, these two, can’t work well together for the life of me!

The search resumed. The path was to be found. Soon. Fast. The one that goes forth. The one that allows for both, reason and feeling, to blend and rule together. But no diamond was forged in a day… The fog lifted up a bit, and the colors started to sparkle again. And a piece of peace, like a slice of heaven, was placed in front of me… A dare to let go and be led. And as the summer wrapped me in steamy embraces, I let go, and allowed myself to float freely. And to my surprise, when I opened my eyes, I was in the same place, hadn’t budged an inch, still surrounded by the peace, stuck in time, soaked in light.

The path to heaven runs through the clouds… and peace is always inside us… May you find the warmth today. If not today, soon. ‘Till then, here’s a piece of my peace to color your day.

In the bag

Literally! Just like her…snug and careless…wherever it happens to look fine at the time. This is my new goal. Not craving absolute freedom, or enlightenment, or wisdom, or healing…just peace. The kind that comes in a bag, ready to use! Whatever that bag may be.

She looked at me with blurry eyes when I passed by…just blurry, not scared, not disturbed, not anxious, not even slightly upset. Just checking me out. That being done, the eyes closed back and the sleeping resumed. I crave that! Not giving a damn…being so fine with it all, that nobody’s footsteps, however stompy, will ever disrupt my relaxation… So now I just have to find the bag to contain my worries, and my nuttiness, and my high expectations, and my “too moral” principles, and my verve, and my straightforwardness, and my desire to please everyone… and when that’s found, I’ll just shove all of the above in it and lay comfortably on top of them all! And just see if I care when anyone passes by! I so need to be a cat!

I always thought that if you try hard enough, you can actually distance yourself from the object of your discontent, rage, sadness, heartache… I still think you can. I do remember being wise enough at some point to do so…or maybe I was just in denial…whatever it was, it was working and I needed it back.

But how do you effectively step back. Truly. To the point of complete peace within yourself. With no little hidden grudge, no bitter taste, no revenge… The answer to this question is not an easy one. We are all different and take things in with our own grain of salt…well, most of us, most of the time, I guess that’s why they call it personal perspective. One size doesn’t fit all in this case either…But since a recipe for sanity must be out there, and I just didn’t find all the ingredients, I am starting to collect them as I grow into my own better self.

I found one to be most potent of all, but even this one has to have backup some days like today…the ocean…breathing its salts revives the soul; hearing its whispers soothes the heart; wrapping oneself in its infinite strength restore the belief that man was once giant…

But today all the doors to logic were closed. The locks weighed heavily on the weathered wood…I guess when the rains wash the varnish away, things just don’t slide down so easily…and scratch everything in their path, to the very core. It might just be that the wind carries all these grains of sand, and lays them on everything that would stand in its way. Any attempt to brush them off turns them into little needle points…engraving their mark on the skin…

Every morning a sweet smile calls to me. Through the steam of my coffee I look at the mesmerizing picture…every day it’s different; some days the sun rises just on top of a statue, casting surreal light; other days, the fog mystically wraps around the dim figures… and some days it’s just still and peaceful, and calling me with its calm. I promised myself I will one morning snap a few shots to share this feeling.

My mornings aren’t what they used to be, though…and they turn into mid-day faster than I can realize.. But this morning a warm orange smile grabbed hold of my soul. It wouldn’t let go. I was dragged in by the strings of my heart, by the tip of my nose, and by the blank in my head. I found myself wandering through the peace. And, boy! was that great for my sanity!

There, by the aged boulders, in the quiet, I found the other most powerful ingredient for my recipe. Humility. Nothing makes one feel more complete than seeing the tiny place given to him in the world, a small piece of an intricate puzzle. No major roles to take on, no tough calls to make, no hard feelings. Just peace. Just being a part of the bigger picture.

In the middle of the city there lies a graveyard…the past was calling…and with the very first step into the sanctuary, the world as I knew it ceased to exist. Standing there between the quiet boulders, blasted by storms and scorched by the sun, my heart stood still for the first time in forever. Humbled by the ones who have been here so long ago, leaving a mark into infinity. A permanent mark… and humbled by the glory, in my nothingness, I felt free. I have been spoken into being, and it took all my feisty self to burn the useless shell. The ashes still cover the core, and it will take a good crying to wash them away. But in the filtered light, in the silence, being perfect was not a requirement…

It’s that time again!

Contemplating solutions is a favorite pass time of many competitive people. They usually call themselves “problem solvers”. By The way, don’t put that on your resume, it’s not fashionable anymore…so say “the experts”.

Finding answers to riddles was a favorite activity for me, too, when I was a child. Many times I would keep the answer to myself just so I can see what others come up with…sometimes it was boring, sometimes they had the exact same thinking; I guess some minds do think alike…

Today I found myself in a little maze. It was quite fun to keep my mouth shut for a change. Lately I have been ready to just blurt out the answer to all, mainly because they knew it, and were waiting on me to voice it, as I’ve done so many times… speaking their minds when they weren’t ready to…I let them down today. I let myself up, though. Like a hand stretched down to me, I felt this pull, and from the merry-go-round at full speed, I was extracted into the timeless peace. Again. Someone is trying really hard to remind me that I am a loved child…I am, however, so forgetful….it’s this darn “human nature”. If not, it’s just nature, period. It keeps messing with my senses…confusing me even more!

But as today it was that time again, to be caught like a feather in free fall, before I hit the ground, I thought you might need the reminder…you know, just in case you are as human as I am and you, for a moment there, forgot to let go. In that sunshine there is peace, and love, and hope, and quiet. Mostly quiet…and a feeling of comfort.

Here’s to a comforting week! May the ray shine on you, too!