It’s just a parade…

“Get your camera, the regatta starts in 15 minutes!” a half-breath squeak came from the office next to mine… “regatta, remember? We missed it by an hour last year! C’mon!”.

Usually, I don’t comply with commands if I don’t “get it”, but this time the thought of being out in the sunlight sparkled all over my brain. “oh, yeah! out breathing the salt. I can do that”. I grabbed my camera and ran.

The breeze ruffled my hair like a mother’s embrace, and in the cool, shimmering blue, they showed up. Bunched up together, like the floats of a puffed up dandelion.. wobbling on the waves, tiny at first, then bigger and bigger. The seawall was full of photographers, both amateurs and professionals, all trying to catch that one shot that will transform a simple picture in an animated message of greatness at sea. I aimed my camera and shot. From the depths of my soul, not from the tip of my gaze. No need for the perfect photo, just a memento of this moment, when time stopped and gave way to my feelings to go awry without any unwanted consequences!

I looked around at the people, all in awe of the beauty. I stepped on the jetty, among the crowd, trying to get closer. A gust of wind blew my hair undone, and made it float around me like in a fall.. Then time stood still. I heard the squeak near me, saying something I couldn’t understand. I moved to the edge. Took the “one picture I will ever want to take”. Couldn’t see a thing with my hair all over the place… Turned around, and walked away. Walking back on the seawall, I gathered my mane back into a pony tail. Squeak dragged me into the street, we managed to get to the middle without any cars running us over, and as we were contemplating running to the other side, a truck stopped, and gallantly offered us way. I bowed, and my hair came undone again…oh, well! The person waved and kept going.

Back in the office I dared look at the photos… not too bad. But then, again, it’s just a parade… that feeling will always fill me when I see them, but not the others…or maybe they’ll feel a little bit of breeze… that would be great!

I keep time still, what’s your super power?

The words of children carry the most truth, and the heaviest loads.. Lucky for them they start understanding the later when they are out of their early years, some sooner than others… but they are saved from having their immaculate world shattered by bias.

A little game of super heroes left me wondering today. Yes, I played too. How else? It wouldn’t be fun to just watch. And, yes, I skipped rope a little after school… only a little, though, it’s so hard to do it anymore, especially in high heels… So the question traveled the room, splashing us all with a little laughter at our own secret desires. “What is your super power?” As the adult, I wanted to add a little teaching to the moment, so at my turn, I declared loud and clear “I keep time still”.  There was no quiet before the storm. Just the storm. Of words. No laughter like I was prepared for…uhm, did they really “get it?” A boy raised his hand and waved it around a few times to get the floor. “Soo, how exactly do you do this?” he asked. I pointed to my camera. A wave of vowels flooded the room, and then the laughter danced around their faces… I smiled. It’s good to still be able to make them laugh.

But in the quiet of my office, just minutes later, a still world was staring at me from the graphics and photos on my walls. I could feel one set of eyes following me around the room, as I was trying to grasp my super power… and as my gaze met those yes, the world suddenly came to life, and I was transported in time, breathing the whispers… I guess my kryptonite is in those eyes…it makes the world move again, except at a different speed, and backwards, and staying away from locking gazes could keep me safe. But for now, trapped in the parallel universe, I let my heart flutter, and listened to the ocean. Again.

Peekaboo

Yesterday I took 20 kids to an aquarium. I don’t have so many of my own. As a matter of fact I only have one, and even that one, by sheer luck! Or by divine intervention, as you may choose to see it. To me, it was the greatest gift! But that doesn’t stop me from appreciating other people’s gifts just as much as mine. I adopt. Easily. Not with papers, just with words and feelings. I seem to have plenty of both, and they need plenty of those, so, here you go! Best use for my super powers!

I took 2o kids to see penguins. They will create a video documentary that will play at the aquarium for the season. This is the first of, hopefully, many to come. But as we headed back, I looked at 20 kids who got more than just words, a field trip and lots of feelings. I saw them turning into giants! Soft, gentle, childish, powerful giants. And they were whole. And I felt complete.

There was a special penguin that helped build those spirits. Her name is Peekaboo. She looked helpless, staying close to her “mom”, one of the caretakers. She “seemed” helpless. She darted boldly toward one of my kids when she thought he was a threat to her brood… very similar to my kids, standing around me, tall, strong, and ready… and yet, so small, quiet, and fluttering with uncertainty. Real peekaboos… now you see them, now you don’t… but you just know in your heart of hearts that their strength is there… the humanity in the making! And, so, life makes sense again, and hope starts growing, shyly, tentative, and reaching for the warmth of the good news…

Falling into greatness…

It’s Fall. I know, understatement. But it’s falling all around… People I knew to be as tall as the oaks, are laying on the ground, limp, with no shadow… This fall is painful. For so many that I can see…

And for the first time in my life I wish, a huge, big, great, without boundaries, kinda’ wish, that somewhere, somehow, all pain would stop. Or that, at least, there was huge pond of an elixir that gives life back to people… like in those old stories my grandmother used to tell me in the cold winter nights, when tucked under safety of my warm covers, I could only hear the harshness of the times outside the window. But none touched me… though it was sending shivers down my spine just listening to the screaming of the wind…

I wish there was a pool of greatness, to just take people there, so they can see their refection in it… and then shove them straight in, only to help them out renewed, refreshed, and re-great. If only they could fall into greatness…

I guess it’s always much easier to focus on the pain, than on the road ahead, especially when carrying Sisyphus’s load in vain. I pray that they last, that their tired and sore hearts carry them all the way… to the warmth of a good word, and some better days…

I hope that you, wherever you are, have a safe heaven to run to when you’re exhausted, but if not, you could always fall into the greatness of a day full of colors. Stay warm!

Distraction…

“I can’t afford to have you there, you’re a distraction!” came the words, without even a blink… then he realized the impact of his words. They echoed in the room and whirled in the fury of the moment, then eventually floated around in a slow flurry, until they lay on the floor, lifeless and cold.

Once in a while we get a bouquet of marvelous surprises like this one. They come out of nowhere… they’re surprises, aren’t they, they’re supposed to blindside you! But some come when your soul is wide open, trying to catch every last sunshine from that very important spotlight… the same spotlight that would never hurt, how could it, it makes you feel so good! They come to slam, frozen and sharp, right in the middle of that soft spot. Like a clean paper cut, no noise, but deep and painful… like a shard of glass through the heart.

The shock is greater than the pain initially, and day in and day out, you try to find the reason why the words were said so freely. Could it be you’re all wrong about everything? The answer is more painful than the cut! Because it changes everything you knew to be true. And, yes, you were… and who can accept they make mistakes with their most precious moments? well, easily accept, that is….

A distraction is explained by Merriam-Webster as: a. a diversion of attention, or b. mental derangement. Either one is not a compliment to anyone! Let alone had it come from someone you trust… But being called a distraction can also mean you made your mark, be it good or bad, and will not be soon forgotten. But who would want to be remembered as the distraction? Or am I wrong?! And it’s actually good to be noticed at all? Either way… in the quick sands of doubt nobody was left standing… and no movement was seen. Just a reverberating echo, pulled back and forth by the wind, lingering over the quiet. Distraction…

treading water…

Do you know how you wake up one morning and all of the sudden you realize… something?!… about you, or your close ones, or the life you lead, or love, or people in general, or just how amazing it is that you are still alive? I have this bad habit of getting struck by such revelations in the middle of the night. I say it’s a habit, because I feel I am bringing it upon myself by thinking about all these what ifs in my head right before I close my eyes. And it seems that my brain can’t just shut off, it just has to keep spinning…no wonder I am so tired in the mornings…with all the action I get in my sleep… no, not that kind of action!… the real kind, you know, like in the movies… If only I could capture my dreams and view them like one! Or maybe that would not be the best idea, I think forgetting is a wonderful feature of our memory… helps save sanity a lot!

I woke up one of these past nights with the distinct feeling that I must change the way I see things. It must have to do with my refusal to grow up… I’ve been letting that bug me too long… So in my eyes wide open state I could see clearly what I had to do. But it was so unnatural to me! So like any good pragmatic, I made a list and a schematic of how I would get to the change part without losing what is left of my lucid mind. It looks scary, the diagram, but I applied the programming knowledge that I once used to have, so a lot of “if, thens” with little arrows pointing which way I would go helped me feel better. Little foot took a glimpse at my plan and a serious look clouded those bright eyes… “is this math stuff for me?” he asked with half a voice… “No, it’s for me!”. The gaze grow bright again. “Oh, good, then!” I looked at the diagram again, through the child’s eyes… whew! complicated stuff this change! Do I really want to?

But as I was tracking my responses to circumstances, trying to get on the right path, one arrow kept popping up, showing me around all kinds of venues… that all led to the same desired state of mind… “let it go, and move on”… At first, I was outraged. I can’t just let it go! It will get worse. But having practiced my preaching for a few days, it makes more sense by the minute. Not letting go filled me with all sorts of heavy emotions. Letting go was hard, but I felt clean. I guess this is what “turn the other cheek” means… not literally giving up, but choosing to be the better person, even if nobody will notice. The one whose opinion is most important is my own self. And suddenly I could breathe.

It’s like treading water. You’re still in there, “swimming” with everyone, but there is no risk of drowning anymore, and there’s so much top see with a clear and relaxed mind…

I don’t wanna grow up..

It may just be normal to do this, but I woke up one morning, maybe it was last week, and I looked in the mirror for the first time in weeks. Mind you, I do look, but it seems that I did not really see anything… ’till then. There was a haunted look  in those eyes staring back at me… and it was not just the shamelessly early morning red eyed look… it made me think of some deer trapped in the middle of the highway, with a huge truck coming right at it…

The first reaction of any person is to look again. But I did not want to. It was too scary. And I know how these things go; you start questioning the symptoms and you end up finding up you have cancer… No. Better off not stirring anything up. Not at that obscene hour anyway. So I just washed my face and put some makeup on to hide the stare. And felt better. For a little while.

But the next morning, the same hurt and scared deer looked back at me. Without words, but screaming for help so loudly, it almost pierced my eardrums… It made me angry. You don’t just pop into somebody’s morning like that! It’s rude! I splashed the water on that stupid face and didn’t even bother with the makeup. Didn’t want to look at it anymore…

But laying in bed that night, I remembered it again. I didn’t want to stir, but I am such a cat…need to know… what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger, right? Or give me cancer. One or the other, but at least I’d know what to expect. I tried poking at the past and at who I used to be in all my past lives, and many things seemed so extraordinary, that it didn’t even feel like I did all that. And then the present snuck up on me, with little glimpses of the recent twists and twirls of circumstances. The diagnosis was there, or so it seemed. It was not cancer, but I had to cut my brain. Loose. It turns out I am not made of the quiet stuff that keeps women in the kitchen forever with the 50′s poster smile on their face… and it was time to build that universe I had once dreamed… or at least solve that last puzzle I kept putting away. It was definitely time for something, but I postponed that decision ’till the morning, it was going to come soon anyway. At 4:00 a.m. I opened my eyes, wide awake. I don’t remember dreaming, but I do remember those eyes staring at me. The fear was not fear anymore, it was just a call of disbelief… and my heart shrunk.

I grow up in stages, it seems…and this maturing thing is giving me terrible growing pains… and I thought I knew what I want to be when I grow up, but it looks like that job does not exist yet… so I am left with either creating it, or just waiting… Hell! I’m not good at waiting! But I don’t wanna grow up either…so maybe if I sleep better at night, a nicer person will look at me in the morning, and all this growing and figuring out will not need to happen… Or maybe I will wake up all grown up…but that will mean to miss out on my own greatest years, and that would not be cool either… Life is so complicated! When can we take a break?

in your dreams…

A gypsy took my hand once, I didn’t want to know what she saw, but she grabbed it, and words came out…they didn’t make sense at the time. In a life that doesn’t exist anymore, a gypsy told me my future… “there will be a lot of travel, child,” she said, “and lots of talking. Your words will be honey, and your aura will attract many, and you will open paths for them, and close doors for yourself. You have the power to build a universe! Don’t waste it!”…

Ha! Sure.. and I shall be king!.. all is true, right? We all have the power to be all we dream we could be… But, boy, was she right about the travel…and about the words…and about the doors… I have not build a universe yet, but, then again, I’ve only gone so far… there’s still a little time ahead, if all goes well. Funny how we remember such things… locked in our memory, ready to come out.. uncalled, weightless, unimportant, but coming to rebuild the fortress of our self-esteem. With tiny pieces of our own selves, and twisted words of others… it’s called interpretation, taking random, rigid sentences, and turning them into verses that sing to hearts and spirits… blessed be those who have the gift to interpret their own universe, for theirs will be the future… for the restless and inquisitive  mind, heaven is dreaming up a memory you never knew you had, that takes you back to that time in life when shelter was not deemed necessary, and there was no scare that a mother’s touch couldn’t ease… and in your dreams, you built a universe, yours alone, filled with delight, and the little things that you once knew… and then you started to grow, and the little things were forgotten, but never erased.

May you find your dreams soon. The simple and true. And may the lighten up your universe… ’till then, you can join me and mine… I’ll just need to find the honey, and paint my aura bright… but if it makes you happy, it will make me happy, too!

Oh! and…

Moon howling and other nocturnal fun

Every once in a while the universe sends out a stand-by signal, stopping everything in its tracks, slowing down the life rhythms, and giving the human beings a mandatory pause… It is not a synchronized event, not all in the same time get to flop to the ground in complete inertia, and that can cause confusion and frustration in those not touched by the bug…

But as it is a mandatory shortcut, it cannot be helped by the poor human struck by it… what is left to do is just open one’s arms, and let oneself go… suspended in the antigravity, with no feeling of remorse, floating where the winds want, like  a ripe summer’s leaf in the warm autumn sun… slowly swaying in the breeze, landing on the still waters, floating quietly toward forever…

They say the best relaxation happens when the mind is free… And when the mind cannot break free by itself, sometimes it gets a nudge from its own sanity self timer, and it shuts down, allowing for the healing to take place. Make no mistake, it’s not a renewal process! It’s just being put under, while the wounds turn to scars… it’s just life surgery with great anesthetic…

And in the soothing surrender, eyes start seeing beyond the horizon, finding images unthought of. Funny thing imponderability… allowing one to fly so high with such little risk of falling… and then spirits soar, and the sun shines again… and the wounds dry up a bit, and scars are ready to form. It’s then that howling at the moon can start, and not the wailing kind, but the happy to be alive once more kinda’ ones… And one can look at the scars with less pain, and look at the future with a twinkle in the eye… Here’s to moon howling! Oh, and other nocturnal fun!

A piece of peace…

There is something fascinating about mornings, something that jolts the strings of my heart and makes me think I can walk on air. No, I am not actually convinced I could do that, so I do not attempt it… too often… It must be my heritage…or maybe my exacerbated sensitivity to color, scents and sound…It may even have a name, but I just can’t think of it.

Moving near the water was meant to teach me some things…I believe life brings you places for certain reasons…but in the rush of the change there was no time to just sit and and wonder of the purpose. Nature, as a good mother, splashed its colors and miracles in front of my dazzled eyes from day one, trying to gently whisper the truth in my year. But with all the intensity and sensuality of the place, thinking tends to go on the back burner, unless, of course it is mandatory and life saving… And so disolved my logic… And left without the pillar of my reason, I drifted back and forth on the ocean of color, my heart’s strings so stretched that at every breath of wind, a screeching wail would pierce the quiet, like a desolate violin song…

They call it desensitizing, when one gets exposed gradually to the same stressor, so that their body builds resistance to it. I guess if my thinking had been activated, the desensitizing would have worked; but when the soul, like a sponge ready to absorb the new, was left without its reason, a million paths opened, making it impossible to follow the “right one”. And then the skies have fallen, and the sense of preservation kicked in, the logic took over and killed all the input form the heart… Such a battle, these two, can’t work well together for the life of me!

The search resumed. The path was to be found. Soon. Fast. The one that goes forth. The one that allows for both, reason and feeling, to blend and rule together. But no diamond was forged in a day… The fog lifted up a bit, and the colors started to sparkle again. And a piece of peace, like a slice of heaven, was placed in front of me… A dare to let go and be led. And as the summer wrapped me in steamy embraces, I let go, and allowed myself to float freely. And to my surprise, when I opened my eyes, I was in the same place, hadn’t budged an inch, still surrounded by the peace, stuck in time, soaked in light.

The path to heaven runs through the clouds… and peace is always inside us… May you find the warmth today. If not today, soon. ‘Till then, here’s a piece of my peace to color your day.